runlikeella:

“I am fat.” Since when did that become such an insult? Yes, I am made of fat, because I am a living, breathing human being and my body is partially composed of this compound of molecules that make an energy called “fat.” I am energy — I am a lot of energy, and I am laughter, and jokes, and smiles, and giddiness and I am silly. Is that energy? What if, instead, we went around and declared, “I am legs!” because I have two legs that can run miles and miles? I am arms, that can do push ups, and hug. I am a mouth, and a very loud and abrasive one at that. I am lungs that work with my legs to run. I am toenails. I am eyelashes. I am a spleen. I am a small intestine. I am skin. About a quarter of my body is fat. About a quarter of my heritage is Spanish. I am no less proud of my mother’s father’s family for where they came from because they are only 25% of me. I am a stomach, yes, and I am a brain that is, quite frankly, so fucking over the taboo of women being hungry, and the measures we go to so that we appear to exist on high heels and Victoria’s Secret ads and air. I am a really dirty sense of humor, and a really eclectic taste in music, and I am a friend, and I am a shoulder and I am an ear, and I am a heart. “I am fat,” and “I am ___ pounds,” and “I am a size ___”? Forget it. YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

(Source: andellasaid)

My irresponsibility and failure of time management leading to a hectic, unfulfilling, and unhealthy lifestyle is taking its toll on my academics, weight/healthy, and friendships. I need a life makeover, truly. I need to reassess, re-prioritize, and create and stick to a scheduled and highly outlined routine because blog knows, I can’t get anything done, ever, otherwise. I am procrastination, denial, and avoidance’s favorite and absolute easiest prey. I say this all the time, but this winter break, after the stress of this semester, I will really try to form new habits. Especially because Hawaii: February ‘11 is right around the corner! Something good to look forward to, and I’d like to try to look good for it. Challenge on.

What is wrong with me? In some aspects of my life I totally have my shit together, but other parts of me are falling to pieces. It’s like this laziness and self sabotage are killing me, but it’s really all my fault. I literally have no motivation for anything, school, exercise, friends, art. I don’t know if something is off with me or if I really am just one of the laziest people ive ever met.

Breakfast was a sesame seed whole wheat Noah’s bagel.

Lunch was a fruit & cheese plate, fage & honey, and some homemade minestrone soup.

And dinner. Dinner was fantastic. Dinner was ridiculous. Dinner was expensive. Dinner is why I look the way I do. That, and the Twix that I couldn’t stop myself from eating today. (I have some mental attachment to chocolate that I neeeeed to work through).

My mom took me, her boyfriend, and her cousin (my second-cousin, more fittingly my “aunt”) to Fleming’s, this uber nice, swanky, overpriced (but worth it) steak and other delicious wares type of place.

First the bread. Oh, bread. How I love thee. Carbs make my heart sing. And are such a downfall for me. I just may have consumed one of their little loafs by myself over the course of the night, with the out of this world chardonnay (i think?)-and-feta-butter thing they had going on. Wow.

I got the salmon nicoise (sp?) salad (which wasn’t a salad at all). It had two (!) salmon filets, roasted yukon potatoes, string beans, salad, a truffle-deviled egg, and some ridiculously large and flat crouton thing I didn’t touch. I also had a touch of creamed corned and sauteed spinach from my mom’s plate. As well as moaaar breaddd. Mmmm. I only ate about half my plate and have the rest for lunch tomorrow.

And of course, she ordered the chocolate lava cake. Aaagh, wish she hadn’t. As soon as it touched down on our table, I knew I’d have some. We all shared it, which was good, but still. Tonight was a calorie- and carb-fest disaster. I just love me some good food! Sigh.

Upside: I at least got my ass moving today. My best friend and I walked from beach to beach today to get some sunshine and ‘exercise.’ It turned out to be 3.4 miles. Not bad I guess, considering that for the past week that I’ve been here I’ve done nothing. Eff.

It was gorgeous out. Sunny, breezy, not hot or cold, salty air. Mmmmm. I love living in LA. So sad my ‘summer’ is only 3 more weeks. I’m so pampered with my past 3-month summers, the idea that summer school is cutting mine so short makes me want to throw a toddler-esque tantrum. Oh well. Time to grow up and man up.

Tomorrow: more exercise, in any form. I don’t even care at this point, as long as I get out of the house and moving.
And better food choices!! (Shouldn’t be too hard since it won’t be a special circumstance like tonight)

shrinkinginthecity:

Not that I have a body, because that is a fact of life, but the fact that I am one. That it is a part of me, not only something I can control and exert my domination over.  That I have needs, that I have wants, that I am tied to my desires and it is me who has these desires and wants and needs. If it is just my body that has these things, then it is manageable because I can somehow escape it all, whether it is through esoteric words and arbitrary writing, or shutting my mind down and quick! fill whatever void has somehow become so explosive in your life and eat — but of course, that alternative is implicitly tied to the body’s basic biological needs and wants, and so I am reminded again, and so the cycle continues.

The fact that I am admitting all of this is absolutely nerve-wracking and terrifying, and I’m having a hard time typing this out because yeah, it’s admitting it all to strangers, and yeah, it’s opening myself up further than I usually let people in, but also because it’s also admitting it to myself and it’s making me face the reality of it all. I can’t take it back once it’s out here and once somebody else has seen it. If a wound is deep enough, you can’t stop it from bleeding until it has run dry.

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This is one of those “oh, you too?” moments. This is pretty much me, save the routine exercise aspect. Which I’m working on.

sorry I’ve been kind of absent lately everyone. finals iz srs bsnz and kicking my ass. so i don’t have much time to be posting, AND i don’t really have anything good to be posting about since i’m so focused on doing ok in these bullshit, hard classes, so my journey has been put on hold :/

HOWEVER! summerrrrr starts tomorrowwwwwwww at 11am. I plan to really start effecting those positive, healthy chances once summer is here, and i should have time to write as well.

so hang in there, i’ll be back in no time :)

thanks for everyone who still follows <3

Finals are finally upon us. Some of you are no doubt going through them right now. I’ve been in the library working for about 10 hours. And I’m STILL not even close to being done with either of the 2 things for tomorrow: 8 page research paper on negative externalities on imperialistic capitalism due at 4pm, FINAL for Environmental Economics and Policy at 11:30am. I am in such deep shit: 1/8 pages written (utter bullshit), hardly enough studying for EEP done at all. I have 8 hours until my final, which last 3 hours, and I still need to finish this goddamn paper. SO. fucked. I’m at the point where I just wanna cry and throw in the towel, but clearly I cannot. Obvs not getting sleep tonight.

Just needed a break from staring/searching through the online library catalog, so I wanted to tell you that I’m proud of myself today, even though it’s finals.

Lately, being stressed and busy with school has severed hindered my new weight and fitness goals. Today I managed to be stressed and busy (hah, as if I actually WANT this) and eat somewhat healthy. Yesterday I cooked up a tonnnn of broccoli, and spinach pasta since they can be tossed into a bunch of different things and brought on the go, and taste good cold. Since I knew I’d be in the library forever, I brought some greek yogurt with honey; broccoli with parmesan sprinkled on top; pasta with olives, tofu, olive oil and red wine vinegar and a liiittle bit of goat cheese; carrots; and a special K bar for later when I’m feeling like I need a little something to sustain me. And water.

Go me! It would’ve been sooo much easier (and comforting, because that’s how I am) to just grab pizza or Chipotle or something today.

But really, I don’t know how I’ll manage to do both of these things on time. I’m gonna bomb my final :( econ shit is HARD, man.

poundage-ko:

I want to be comfortable enough with my body so that I will let my boyfriend leave the lights on when we have sex.

I want to be comfortable enough with my body to even consider the thought of having sex without cringing at the idea that all my flaws would be laid bare and vulnerable. With this mentality, I will effectually remain a virgin til I’m thin or like, dead.

I think I was so incensed that my anger gave me a little adrenaline. I’m using this second wind to look up apartments for the fall. And my itunes genius playlist is bomb right now. Singer/Songwriter Mix ftfw.